Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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