she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
