peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
