Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i think i have two assholes
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
