the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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