If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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