So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
