so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
