every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
