I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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