LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
