gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
