Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
