last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
