Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
