i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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