I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
