In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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