I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
