mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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