I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
