cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
