In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.