1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver