im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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