It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
