i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ugly people sure do ruin things
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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