Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
