Cold hands, warm shart.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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