i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
