I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
