I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
