did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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