This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
