I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
