im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
