It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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