I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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