Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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