the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
