Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
