Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had to cum in my sink.
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