I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
