my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
