I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
