Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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