Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
