how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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