So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
