Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
