Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
