Will you blow on my dice?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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