Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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