Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
