Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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