I could make wine with my vomit
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
