I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
