i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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