she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
